


8 letters

by cometyien



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, Romance, So canon I almost died trying to keep it canon, very canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-11 01:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cometyien/pseuds/cometyien
Summary: 8 Relationship Firsts to Never Forget:1. The first time you actually spoke to him2. The first time you slept together (not like that)3. The first date4. The first kiss5. The first time you slept together (yes like that)6. The first time you got in a big fight, and when you subsequently made up7. When you realize you’re in love8. The first time you both said “I love you”





	8 letters

“Jackson...” Mark said as he pulled the piece of paper out of his sweatshirt pocket. “I think this is yours?” Jackson lifted his head from his phone, glancing at Mark, then noticing the piece of paper. Eyes wide realizing what Mark had found, he leapt out of the bed to retrieve it.

“YA! Jackson!” Mark shouted as Jackson practically toppled him over, ripping the paper from Mark’s grasp. “If you’re going to wear my clothes, don’t leave stuff in them if you don’t want me to find them.” Mark readjusted his sweatshirt after Jackson practically torn it off. 

Jackson looked away sheepishly, hiding the piece of paper in his palm as best he could. “It’s private… Besides, you haven’t complained about me borrowing your clothes before.”

Mark sighed. “It’s not the borrowing of my clothes. It’s whatever you’re trying to hide from me.”

Jackson inhaled, ready to say something, but Mark lurched forward, stealing the paper back and running to the bed. “Ya!” Jackson shouted chasing Mark.

Mark jumped into bed, playing keepaway with the paper, holding Jackson back as best he could. Jackson crawling all over him, grabbing at his sides, getting closer and closer to the paper. “Jiaer!” Jackson stopped immediately, freezing on top of Mark. “Whatever this is, can’t be this important to hide from me, right?” 

Jackson stared back at Mark, and Mark could see the gears turning in Jackson’s head, quickly playing out all his options and what to say or do next. Mark prepared for Jackson to attack at any moment if he decided it was worth keeping away from Mark. “Fine, _Yien_.” Having not enjoyed his Chinese name used so sternly, “You can look at it. But it’s not done.”

Mark began to unfold the piece of paper again, Jackson’s eyes glued to him, not making a move to stop him, so Mark continued to unfold. The mood had gotten so serious, but Mark couldn’t help but let out a small giggle at the fact that Jackson was nervous about something _he_ had been dumb enough to leave in Mark’s clothes.

“You think it’s dumb!” Jackson scolded, trying to grab the paper again.

“I haven’t even seen what it is yet, Gaga!” Mark said, Jackson stopped, “I’ll _try_ not to laugh.” And just like that Jackson was clawing for the paper. “Jackson, I’m laughing because I…” Jackson froze, his eyes falling back to Mark’s as he waited for Mark to finish his sentence. “You’re so worked up over this. It’s almost making me nervous.”

“Fine, but can you _actually_ try not to laugh,” A frown still smeared across Jackson’s face. Mark nodded in agreement and finally was able to completely unfold the thin piece of paper. It was a magazine article from one of those ladies’ magazines that advertises how to have “The Best Sex of Your Life!” or “Why You’re Doing Orgasms All Wrong”. But (thankfully) it wasn’t that type of article.

_“8 Relationship Firsts to Never Forget”_

Mark didn’t laugh, and Jackson appreciated that, but was quickly realizing that silence was much worse than Mark’s soft giggles.

“Someone left their magazine on the plane a couple weeks ago,” Jackson started to explain. “I couldn’t sleep, and was reading it for fun,” Mark shot Jackson a questioning glance, “ _for fun_. And I saw this article and, well, it got me thinking.”

Next to each numbered item there was a checkmark, date, and location. “Have you been keeping track? How do you remember the time for some of these?” Mark asked looking from the paper to Jackson, back to the paper, back to Jackson, and then landing back on the paper for a final time.

-

**1\. The first time you actually spoke to him - July 3rd, 2011, 9PM; JYP Building**

When Jackson landed in Korea, officially embarking on his journey to stardom, he was too excited to sleep. The taxi took him to the dorms, not too far from the JYP building. Jackson decided to drop off his suitcase and then immediately head over to the JYP building. He couldn’t help it, the excitement had been building up in him for so long. He’d spent months training in Hong Kong, but now being in Gangnam, so close, he had to see it. He’d never felt more alive and he couldn’t possibly imagine going to sleep right now.

He’d been given a key labeled with his dorm room number before he left Hong Kong. He got into the building easily and found his dorm. He poked his head around the common area but there was no one. He went to the nearest door and opened it, not sure if he’d walk in on someone, but he couldn’t wait and he didn’t think to knock. Thankfully, it was empty as well, but it was definitely occupied by someone. The top bunk had pictures posted on the wall next to it and a pillow and crumpled up sheets at the bottom of the bed. His curiosity got the better of him and he glanced at the pictures. There was a picture of an older man and woman and a picture of four children: two teenage girls and two toddler boys. There was one other picture of a group of teenage boys all huddled together near a pool. He really couldn’t figure out if one of the little boys was one of the older teenage boys.

Jackson realized he’d been examining the pictures for far longer than he meant. He looked down at the bottom bunk, bare of sheets or decorations, and tossed his suitcase on the bunk. He’d figure it out later, introduce himself later, move to a different room later if necessary.

Jackson spent approximately one minute in the dorm before he left again to go to the JYP building. He’d passed it in the taxi earlier and was sure to mentally photograph landmarks so that he would be able to find his way later. It had been raining since he landed, so Jackson practically ran to the JYP building, not wanting to get too wet. He would hate his first week to be ruined by a summer cold.

Jackson took one last right turn and saw it. At night it was lit only by the surrounding street lights and the lights that were on inside the building (which were few), but the July rain was giving it a sheen that almost made it sparkle. Or maybe that was Jackson’s mind playing tricks on him. Attached to Jackson’s dorm keys was a round electronic key. He got to the door and held it up to the reader just next to the door. The red dot turn green and Jackson heard the door unlock.

The building was quiet. He went up the stairs and on the first level was a cafeteria and casual hangout area. There were two boys sitting on a couch deep in conversation. At the scattered tables over in cafeteria area there were others talking, checking their phones, all seeming exhausted. It was quiet, but there was a faint murmur amongst them, but none of them acknowledged Jackson’s presence.

Jackson had been working on his Korean for the past couple months but he hadn’t had much practice with actual Korean speakers other than his tutor. He was feeling confident though, the adrenaline had kicked in during his run in the rain, and he couldn’t stop himself. He went up to the two boys on the couch and introduced himself.

“Hello. I am Jackson Wang. I am from Hong Kong. I speak little Korean. Please take care of me. Thank you.”

It was a little stiff and quite strange given the circumstances. However, Jackson didn’t realize this until it was too late.

The two boys just stared for a moment and then burst out with laughter. Jackson looked around and their laughter had garnered the attention of the others in the area. Jackson chuckled along, hoping that if he joined in it would be like he was in on the joke too.

The laughter slowly died down, and others went back to what they had been doing before. The two boys introduced themselves; Jaebum and Jinyoung. Jackson bowed to both of them, and thanked them. He had nothing to actually thank them for, but maybe he was thankful they had stopped laughing and were being kind to him.

“Hong Kong?”, Jinyoung asked in English.

Jackson nodded eagerly. “Yeah, man!”

“Uh, you know… Chinese?” He asked, again in English.

Jackson smiled, “Shi.”

Jinyoung seemed to understand Jackson’s Chinese yes and nodded back at Jackson. Jinyoung turned to Jaebum and said something in Korean. Jaebum said something back. Jinyoung smiled and said something else. All the while, Jackson stood there with a dumb smile on his face just hoping none of what they were saying was about how embarrassed they were of the new Hong Kong kid.

“Uh…” Jinyoung began, “Mark… You should meet, Mark.” Jinyoung said through a faint smile and then Jaebum tapped him on the shoulder and pointed ahead. Jinyoung and Jackson followed where Jaebum was pointing and saw a boy alone at a table. He was a skinny, the same age as Jackson, maybe a little older, with headphones in and watching something on his phone.

“There”, Jinyoung said.

Jackson wasn’t sure why he should meet “Mark”, but he didn’t care. He was feeling uncomfortable after his introduction didn’t go exactly like how he planned. Maybe Mark was from Hong Kong too? Maybe he spoke Chinese, or at least a language he understood well enough to communicate with. At the very least, he was someone different and Jackson could try again and be a little less… _eager_.

Jackson thanked the two boys, again, and walked toward the boy at the table.

The boy had short, very short, black hair. It was much shorter than Jackson’s, whose hair was long enough to cover his forehead and almost his eyes. The boy was wearing a tank top that showed of his tan skin, dewy from the rain. He had a black umbrella on the table, getting the table wet. The boy noticed Jackson walking up and made eye contact with Jackson.

Once Jackson finally got a look at his whole face, including his brown eyes, Jackson was a little taken aback. _He’s cute. Really cute._ Jackson smiled and Mark looked back to his phone and back at Jackson, realizing that he was Jackson’s intended target. Mark took out one of his earphones and set his phone down on the table.

After his practiced introduction hadn’t gone how he wanted earlier, Jackson scraped it. The only problem now was that he didn’t know what to say instead. And this boy, _Mark_ , his eyes, his lips, his Adam’s apple that bounced as Jackson got closer. Jackson completely forgot all the Korean he’d learned. Every word he knew in every language evaporated in his mind and he was scrambling to think of something, anything.

“Xing hui!!” Jackson said with a smile. He didn’t intend it, it was a much more formal greeting, one he hardly used at home, but he had panicked and this is what came out. He waited for the boy to say something, or, hell, even move. But he was like a statue. Jackson thought about saying something else, but the words still couldn’t come back to his mind. He couldn’t even remember his own name.

Jackson chuckled as he continued to wait for the other boy to say something, but nothing happened. They both waited in silence as the air got thicker and thicker. Was this a prank? No one else seemed to notice that Jackson and Mark were even there. Jaebum and Jinyoung had already left. Would seem kind of lame to set up someone for a prank and then not even see how it turned out, right? He looked back at Mark who was still staring at him, his lips pressed together tight, clearly not going to say anything.

“Uh… bye…” Saying the first goodbye in any language he could think of, Jackson bowed and turned around sharply and left. Too embarrassed to wait around for this boy to say anything, and too deflated to try and talk to anyone else.

He ran out of the building, the rain finally let up, and found Jinyoung and Jaebum from earlier. “Dorms?” Jinyoung nodded, and together the three of them walked to the dorms. They didn’t ask about Mark, so Jackson was feeling certain that it wasn’t a prank. But he didn’t ask about Mark either because he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing what happened, if this had been a prank.

Jinyoung and Jaebum were in their own world and Jackson just followed behind quietly. The whole walk he couldn’t stop thinking about the boy, and his own reaction. Why had he froze? He’d never had that happen with anyone. He’d felt things for people, like a crush, but he’d never been left _speechless_. Jackson knew nothing about him, yet he’d gotten so nervous just to say hi, or his own name.

The more Jackson thought about it, he became more and more embarrassed. He only hoped that by some miracle he wouldn’t have to see that boy ever again. 

-

**2\. The first time you slept together (not like that) - October 6th, 2011, Midnight; The dorms**

At first Mark was thrown off by Jackson’s personality. He was so loud and eager to please and to do well. Many of the new trainees that Mark met were like that. Like they had something to prove. But that energy wore off after spending weeks and weeks with 18 hour days, and endless classes, and feeling like they were no closer to debut.

But Jackson wasn’t like everyone else.

Jackson had been their for three months and nothing had changed. He woke up ready to talk, ready to practice, ready to learn, ready to prove that he belonged. It was still unclear where Mark and Jackson would end up in JYP, and even though Mark had been training longer, they had similar schedules and woke up at the same time. Mark could wake up and say nothing for an hour or more, but when Jackson was awake that wasn’t an option. Jackson always had something new to say even though he’d just been dead to the world for hours.

Once Jackson did wake up he would almost immediately say something. There was no transition between sleep and awake.

_“It’s too hot.”_

_“It’s too cold.”_

_“What time is it?”_

_“I like that shirt.”_

Often, Mark wouldn’t respond with anything more than a grunt or nod. He didn’t always love the constant chatter, at first, but after living with it for three months, he found that he kind of enjoyed it. He’d been alone in the room for a few weeks, being told _eventually_ he would get a roommate, but no one was sure of when that would be exactly. Initially, the silence and alone time was an unexpected pleasure. But it wore on Mark, quickly. He already felt alienated in Korea, away from his family and friends, still barely grasping the language, add being alone in the room at night it got, well, lonely.

Jackson’s words and morning voice were things Mark looked forward to now, but what he truly enjoyed was hearing Jackson throughout the night. Hearing him toss and turn, hearing his breath get deeper as he’d drift into a deep sleep, hearing the gentle snores that would escape every so often. It was a gentle and welcome reminder that he wasn’t alone.

Mark laid in his bed, checking his phone before he had to actually get up. But he was startled when Jackson stood up from his bunk, completely silent. Jackson grabbed a towel and left, to the bathroom, Mark presumed.

Mark took this as a sign that he should also start to get ready. He began to climb out of bed, like he would any other day, but he was bothered.

_Why didn’t he say anything? Surely he had something to say about Mark’s alarm going off four times this morning._

It sat in the back of his mind annoyingly as he got put together for the day. Had he done something? Had he said something? Maybe he’d touched something of Jackson’s without realizing it, not that Jackson had ever minded sharing things. Usually it was Mark saying that he wanted his hat or shirt back because he wanted to wear it that day.

Mark was fixing his hair in the mirror when Jackson came back, silent still. They got ready side-by-side, like a synchronized duo, working around each other. But Mark stand the silence any longer. It was too weird.

“You okay?” He asked.

Jackson turned his head and smiled, then moved to the closet to pick a hat. “Mmm,” He said with a nod. He stayed quiet and Mark wanted to press further, _What’s wrong? Are you sick? Are you tired? Do you miss home?_ But he didn’t know how to ask. If Jackson was choosing not to talk about it maybe he really didn’t want to talk about it. Was that possible for Jackson? To want to _not_ talk?

Mark wasn’t sure how to describe their friendship. Once they had properly met (and Mark had actually said words to Jackson), they clicked. Both speaking English helped, but Mark couldn’t put his finger on it. They’d spent many nights staying up and talking about their past lives, pre-Korea, and they rarely had anything in common. Jackson the fencer, avid athlete, constantly trying to advance, practically raised as an only child, going against his father’s wishes to continue fencing and instead to become a famous star. Mark the below-average kid, barely getting by in high school, never caring enough to try too hard (or at all), raised with a large family, often blending into the background, and seemingly falling into this trainee life when someone suggested he try out.

But there they would be at 1:58 in the morning huddled together on one of the bunks, out on the sofa, at the convenience store down the road, talking about it all, with no purpose. Slipping in and out of their shared languages, getting to practice Korean without fear of getting laughed at for their pronunciation and misunderstandings, Jackson helping Mark with Chinese. It was comfortable and easy when all Mark had ever felt in Korea was alone and filled with doubt.

When they would finally agree to go to bed, Mark would lay in bed and wonder, like he did many nights: how he made it so long _without_ Jackson? How had Jackson _only_ been here three months? Why did it feel like Jackson had _always_ been apart of him? Why did he feel like _this_? Jackson was a just a boy, why did Mark feel so connected and grounded? So afraid to lose Jackson? Afraid to be lonely? Again.

“I’ll be fine in a bit,” Jackson said, snapping Mark out of his thoughts, “Just got some stuff on my mind.” They both had finished getting ready for the day. Mark felt better but he couldn’t help but wonder what was on Jackson’s mind. He decided to let it go as best he could. If Jackson wanted to talk about it, he would.

“Let’s go.” Jackson said, slinging his bag over his shoulder and together they walked to the building.

Even with similar schedules, they often didn’t get a chance to talk or hang out. They were working and training, and almost always with other people. They would steal glances, notice when the other was tired or thirsty, suggest to the group that they take a break. It felt sneaky, or so Mark thought, but every so often someone would notice that Mark had grabbed two water bottles. Someone would ask to join Jackson and Mark for lunch and Mark would feel his stomach drop, not entirely realizing that he was looking forward to having lunch, just the two of them.

It’d been a long day, not finishing up until just after 10PM. Jaebum had suggested they all get dinner at one of the street vendors they frequented often, but Mark declined, wanting to work on the dance they had learned. He hadn’t been able to focus, still feeling confused by Jackson this morning… Or maybe it was the things he’d been feeling. Or maybe it was both. The group of boys left, Jackson gave a small smile and Mark gave a low wave back.

Over and over and over, Mark practiced the dance until he couldn’t feel his toes. It turned out being alone was the worst thing he could’ve done though. He wasn’t getting better (because he didn’t really know what needed to be fixed) and his thoughts only made him more confused. Confused about why Jackson had been like that this morning. Confused about why he cared so much for Jackson, for another guy. He’d been interested in girls back home, but these feelings he had now, they washed out any others that lingered in his mind.

He finally gave up. He didn’t know how long he’d been going, but he was exhausted. He sprawled out on the floor on his back like a starfish. He stared at the ceiling. Thought about grabbing his phone, too tired. Thought about grabbing water, too tired. Thought about going to the dorm, too tired.

Thought about going home and never looking back... 

This life becoming some distant dream. A “what if” that would loom over him. Always wondering what would have happened if he’d debuted.

If he’d acted on his feelings for this boy. If he’d actually admitted to himself that what he felt was more than a friendship. Admitted that he’d never felt this way about anyone else. Admitted that even though he loved the peace and quiet he had before, he never wanted to lose the sound of Jackson talking and laughing.

“Oh, Mark died.”

The door to the studio had opened. The boy was standing there, plastic bag in hand, unaware of Mark’s thoughts and feelings. The boy Mark felt most comfortable with, the one who was there, always there, the one he could never get away from, not that he ever wanted to be away from him for long.

Mark smiled at Jackson, big enough that he could feel the tops of his cheeks squeezing his eyes closed, scrunching his nose. It was real again, this dream, this life, this person. It was real and standing right in front of him, no longer a what-if. It would never become a what-if, not if Mark could help it.

“Not dead.” Mark said still smiling as he sat up, enough energy to run 1,000 miles. “Very hungry though.” He said looking at the bag of food Jackson had brought.

“Let’s eat then.” Jackson said, sitting down beside Mark.

“You already ate?” Mark said, slightly confused as he began to pull out the food. “Are you going to stay and watch me eat?” Mark teased.

“Yeah, but I thought you’d be hungry and well, I just, I wanted- well I- I can’t just-”

Mark interrupted, seeing how uncomfortable Jackson was getting just trying to explain himself. “Thank you.” Jackson let out a sigh of relief, and leaned back resting against his hands.

There was a brief moment of silence, and then Jackson filled the air like he always did. “I also convinced the lady to sneak me this.” Jackson pulled out a soju bottle from a black plastic bag he’d kept to himself.

Mark rolled his eyes, “She likes you too much,” but he grabbed the bottle as Jackson went to grab two small cups from the water cooler.

Together they emptied the bottle entirely. Mark having a bite of food and then using the soju to cool his mouth down, and Jackson would drink with him. As the alcohol slipped down their throats, their lips became loose, slurring words, mixing their languages in a way that even they could hardly make sense of. But Mark didn’t care. He just wanted to hear Jackson talk, hear his voice, his laugh, even his breath.

Mark was finishing up his food when Jackson fell completely silent. Mark looked up and Jackson was just staring.

“Hmm?” Mark said, a little afraid that Jackson had asked a question he actually wanted an answer to, but Mark didn’t catch it. Jackson had a red glow to his cheeks, and Mark could feel the same heat on his cheeks.

“Do you get annoyed by me? By how much I talk?”

Mark paused for a moment, not sure of Jackson’s ulterior motive. _Was this what this morning was about? Is that why he’d been so quiet?_ But Jackson continued to stare, forcing Mark to answer with no context clues. “No.”

Jackson looked down at his hands, fiddling with this finger nails, seeming unconfident in Mark’s response.“Jaebum says I talk too much.”

“Jaebum’s an idiot.” Jackson looked at Mark and chuckled. The sound put Mark at ease again. “It was quieter before you, but I like it much better now.” Jackson smiled, looking up to Mark.

It was over and Jackson didn’t need any other kind of affirmation, already moving onto something else. Watching and listening to Jackson talk about whatever thought entered his mind was Mark’s favorite part of the day. They left together, Mark interjecting every once in awhile to show something on his phone, but Jackson had already seen itm but still had something to say about it, of course.

When they got back to the dorm Jackson immediately went to do his bathroom routine before bed. Mark walked into their room, and sluggishly changed into his pajamas, only now realizing just how tired he was. The alcohol and full belly not helping this feeling. He walked over to the bunks and stopped to stare at the two beds. He was overtaken by such a simple emotion: happy. He was happy to just be in the room he shared with Jackson. To feel at home when this hadn’t felt like home for a long time. 

He wondered though: Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to rely on one person as a source of strength, especially if that person didn’t know that he was that source. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do that with someone who he’d only know for a few months. Maybe the feelings that had been developing were wrong.

Maybe he didn’t care.

He climbed into Jackson’s bed, and it wasn’t the first time he’d done this. But not like this; with the intention of not leaving again for the night. He pulled the cover over his body and squeezed in close to the wall, his back to the rest of the room. It smelled like Jackson, as his bed should smell, but not like his cologne or body wash. It was the unique smell that could only be described as Jackson Wang: fresh, light, and real. Mark nuzzled his face into the pillow, and he no longer had the energy to fight his eyelids.

He heard the door open, and his mind woke up, but his body didn’t. His eyes remained closed, afraid that this moment would be gone if his eyes met with Jackson’s.

Mark felt the mattress dip, and could feel Jackson’s presence next to him, lifting to blanket and moving in close to Mark. Having his eyes closed made him less afraid at first, but as the seconds passed it felt more terrifying. _Is he confused? Does he know? Does he understand?_

And then Mark felt a weight against his hip, light enough that Mark almost would’ve said it was a ghost. He finally dared to open his eyes to look down and see Jackson’s hand snaking around him, felt Jackson scoot in closer, enough that Mark could feel a breath on his neck. He reached down and place his hand on top of Jackson’s.

He turned his head enough to catch Jackson’s eyes. All the things Mark had wanted to say, well, they could wait. Or maybe Mark would never need to say them entirely. Maybe he wasn’t the only one thinking and feeling these things. Maybe he didn’t need to hear Jackson say them. Maybe this was enough. Maybe it was all he would need.

Mark never slept alone again.

-

**3\. The** **first date & 4\. The first kiss - October 24th, 2011, 9PM; 반포 Bridge**

Jackson kept checking the time on his phone, wondering if this bus could move any slower. He heard Mark give a breathy chuckle. Jackson shot him an accusatory glance. “Don’t worry.” Mark reached over and put a hand on Jackson’s thigh, “We’ll get there in time.”

Jackson smiled down at Mark’s hand. All he wanted was to sit in the grass, eating ice cream, and watch this rainbow fountain bridge that he’d seen on a drama. Well, he mainly wanted to watch it with Mark. Just Mark. They’d gone out together before, and they’d been alone together before, but it was different this time. This was intentional, they’d carved out a time to get away. To do something special and romantic, _together_.

It was unfortunate that it had to be right after a long day of training, but it was the only chance they’d gotten. Since the beginning of October, Jackson had been trying to work this out, but it was hard to find a time that fit with their schedules and wouldn’t catch the attention of anyone else. Right after their last class they told everyone they would be going to get food on the other side of town, not offering to let anyone join, sneaking away before anyone could try and join. It helped that it was a Monday night, no one would want to stay out late when they just had to be up again the next day.

Jackson looked out the bus window and a small gasp escaped. “This is it! This is the stop!” The bus hadn’t stopped yet, but Jackson shot up ready to wait by the doors. But Mark grasped his wrist and pulled him back down to his seat.

Mark’s fingers found their way to the back of Jackson’s hands, calmly rubbing back and forth. “Jackson… It’ll be okay.”

He was right, of course, but Jackson wanted this to be special and perfect, but more than that, he was excited. He was excited to be on a _date_ with his _boyfriend_. Sure they hadn’t said any of this officially, or even kissed, but often with Mark it wasn’t about what had been said, he knew all too well. Jackson was fine with that, and was learning to like that. His words easily would get him into trouble. Mark was always so careful with words, and most of the time it frustrated Jackson. He would have to remind himself that it just meant that Mark took extra thought into his words before he said them. He could trust that what Mark said was true and Jackson found comfort in that.

Once the bus did finally stop, Mark kept ahold of Jackson’s hand and they stepped off the bus together. Mark started left towards the bridge, but Jackson pulled him right. He gave Jackson a confused look.

“A pit stop.” Mark followed, trusting Jackson’s plan, now seeming to understand why Jackson was in such a rush.

Jackson led Mark to a convenience store not too far from the bus stop. Once they stepped into the entirely too flourescent store, Mark’s stomach growled loud enough to catch the attention of Jackson and the old lady working behind the counter. Jackson made a passing glance at the woman as she was looking at Mark and Jackson’s intertwined hands. Jackson let go, Mark quickly looking from his own stomach to Jackson, to where Jackson’s eyes were directed, and Mark seemed to understand.

Not that it mattered to them what others thought, but they knew it was still an oddity in Korea. They were mainly concerned about getting found out and it getting back to JYP. They didn’t know how management would handle two trainees being gay, let alone those two trainees being in the same room _and_ in a relationship, with each other.

The lady returned to fiddling with things behind the counter, not seeming too concerned about whatever they were up too. Jackson went to the back of the store and found the ice cream freezer.

As Jackson was about to open the freezer, Mark’s hand stilled him. “Jackson, isn’t it too cold for that?” A small smile on Mark’s face, and Jackson could tell Mark wanted to call him crazy.

“Yeah, but, I want to eat ice cream with you. One more time, before winter and it’s _really_ too cold.” Mark’s smile grew to a giggle and he dropped his hand. Jackson grabbed two chocolate cones and headed up to the register.

The old lady behind the counter rang up the ice creams and bagged them after Jackson had given her the cash. “I forgot drinks.” Jackson disappointedly said in Korean, looking to Mark and he turned to go get the drinks but the old lady stopped him.

“You two remind me of my son and his… friend.” She said with a gentle smile. She shuffled over to the corner and pulled out two beers from the fridge and bagged them with the ice cream.

Mark tried to refuse, and Jackson chimed in too, not wanting to the woman to get in trouble. But she swatted them away, saying that it was her husband’s store, joking that he could try to lock her up. Mark grabbed the bag and they thanked the woman, and once they got to the door  thanked the woman again, and a final time from outside the store through the windows.

“I guess it’s our lucky day.” Mark said looking in the bag.

“Mm,” Jackson agreed, “but it’ll be ruined if we don’t hurry.” Jackson grabbed Mark’s free hand and started to jog towards their original destination. The wind passed through Jackson’s ear, but every so often Mark’s laugh would cut through and Jackson’s smile would grow wider.

Jackson saw the patch of grass he’d found online earlier and he slowed his pace, now walking hand in hand with Mark. There were a handful of other couples out, but it wasn’t many, and they were all too wrapped up in their own lives to notice them. The 9PM show of the Banpo Bridge at the end of October on a Monday night must’ve been pretty unappealing to most. It didn’t really appeal to Jackson either, but it was the only time that would work so it would have to do.

“Here.” Jackson said, pulling Mark down with him to sit. Thankfully it hadn’t rained that day like the weatherman had predicted, so the grass was dry and the sky was clear. Mark pulled out the two beers, handing both to Jackson, and then the two ice cream cones. Jackson opened both the beers and got them to sit snug between him and Mark. Mark handed one open cone to Jackson, and kept the other for himself.

Mark chuckled after swallowing down a bite of the cone. “I told you we had time.” 

Jackson glared at Mark. “What, you don’t enjoy just sitting in my presence?”

Mark smiled, “No, just that you didn’t have to worry.” 

Jackson started to argue but Mark cut him off, “I would’ve been happy no matter what we did.”

Jackson smiled, and he had the urge to kiss him. Right now. People would see, and it would taste like chocolate, but he wanted to so badly. He’d dreamt about feeling Mark’s lips on his own, and often caught himself just before he did. He didn’t want to stop, but he would because he wanted it to be right. He didn’t the _first_ one to be sneaky. He didn’t want it to feel like a secret, or wrong. He wanted to wait for the right moment. Out in public, on their first date, it was right. But Jackson’s nerves got the better of him.

“Gaga, look!” Mark pointed at the bridge. The music had started, a very traditional song, and the jets that had been spouting water began to move, making the water fly up and down in a magical symphony. The lights perfectly aimed to shine through the streams illuminating the water. It was magnificent and grandiose, but the TV did a pretty good job capturing that. Jackson wasn’t exactly impressed. Honestly, he hadn’t come to watch the show. Jackson looked over at Mark, who was wrapped up in it. The lights reflecting back on his face, and his eyes never looked bigger, like he was witnessing some world wonder.

_He’s beautiful._  

He had the urge to kiss him, again, but Jackson didn’t dare to ruin this for Mark and so he turned his head back to water, enjoying the show with his boyfriend. The show ran for twenty minutes, so they leisurely finished their ice creams and beers as they watched. The lights dimmed and the jets returned to their original state, the music ending signalling the end of the show.

“Wah, Jackson.” Mark said, still staring at the jets.

“You liked it?” Jackson said proudly.

“Of course! That was amazing!” Mark grabbed Jackson’s arm, “I haven’t seen anything like that. Well, Disneyland does something-" 

“Ya!” Jackson interjected, trying to free his arm from Mark’s grasp, but Mark held tight. Jackson also liked when Mark held his arm, so he didn’t try too hard to break free.

“It was nothing like this.” Mark said, steadying Jackson, Mark’s eyes meeting Jackson’s. Jackson was taken aback, again, just like he had been that first day at JYP. Mark’s eyes fell to Jackson’s lips, and Jackson froze. _This is the moment, Jiaer! Do it, you idiot before it’s gone!_

But Jackson could barely remind his body to breath. The light reflecting off the water onto Mark’s face, Mark’s smile brightly cutting through the twilight, his hair slightly blowing, it was all too much. It felt like a dream, or a past life that Jackson was lucky enough to relive for a moment. It couldn’t be possible that he could leave home to follow some crazy dream and find this perfect Mark at the same time, right? How could someone like him ever get this lucky? Was the sky merciful enough to bring him this comet? To allow him to capture it? For tonight? Forever?

As Jackson’s mind tried to bully his body into doing something, in a flash, Mark was leaning forward and pressing his lips against Jackson’s. It was nothing more than a peck, but Mark held it, and Jackson finally knew what it meant when people said time stopped. He could hear the water from the jets splashing onto the water, feel the fall breeze on the back of his neck, taste the beer and chocolate on Mark’s lips, smell the cologne on his neck. Nothing existed outside of them and this moment.

But, time caught up, like it always does, and Mark pulled back.

“Yien.” Jackson said matter-of-factly.

“Jiaer?”

Jackson smiled, “Let’s do it again.”

-

**5\. The first time you slept together (yes like that) - January 21st, 2012; the dorms**

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me to visit my family? They ask about you all the time.” Jaebum asked.

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to be bothersome. Then Jackson would be here alone.” Mark said, watching Jaebum roll up another shirt and pack it in his suitcase.

It was the Friday night before the long holiday weekend. Jaebum, Jinyoung, and Yugyeom were all going home for the holiday. But Bam Bam decided at the last minute to go with Yugyeom. Leaving Mark and Jackson at the dorms. Alone. With no schedules or trainings. For three whole days (three and a half if you included Tuesday morning). He didn’t have any plans with Jackson for the weekend, but he knew what he wanted to do.

They’d been working up to _those_ things, slowly. Discussed that they would take it slow, and when the time was right they would know and let whatever happen, happen. Light kissing leading to making out, making out leading to rubbing over clothing, then using their hands to get the other one off. A few weeks ago Jackson had suggested he use his mouth, and Mark allowed it, but Yugyeom had walked in on them. If they hadn’t reacted as quickly as they did, and Yugyeom had opened the door any faster, he would’ve seen it all. Jackson was able to shoo him out of the room, but it scarred Mark.

He was sure no one knew about them, and he did not want them to find out by catching them in the act. Jackson understood, also not wanting to risk their place at JYP, but he was still the ever impatient Jackson, and he continued to gently press the issue. Mark had held him off, but it was hard because he didn’t want to. The most he’d done with someone, was back home, and that was a lame handjob from some girl whose name he couldn’t really remember anymore. The things he’d been doing with Jackson were better, much better. Before they’d been interrupted, Jackson’s lips had barely touched Mark and he just about lost it. Jackson had more experience, recalling some former flame at his athletic camp. Jackson said it was never anything serious, but thinking about someone touching Jackson, _like that_ , Mark had never felt this before. _Jealousy_. He changed the subject once he gathered that Jackson had gone all the way with this other boy. He didn’t want to hear anymore, afraid this jealousy would bring out a side of him he didn’t want Jackson to see.

There were ways for them to get the privacy they desired, of course. Jackson had suggested playing hooky once, and Mark thought about renting a hotel room. But he didn’t want his first time with Jackson to be hidden or rushed. He’d never given much thought to how he his first time would go, didn’t really care if it was special, but now that Jackson was apart of it, it mattered. He didn’t want them to be afraid of someone walking in, or at some random hotel. Maybe the latter wouldn’t be so bad, but it just felt so forced and unromantic to rent a room just for them to do it.

But now that everyone would be out of the dorm, they wouldn’t need to rent a room. They wouldn’t need to be worried about someone coming into their room. They didn’t even need to stay in their room…

“So what will you and Jackson do?” Jaebum said, almost like he was in Mark’s head.

“Uh, we’ll probably just... hang out.” He said, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice. “Nothing too exciting.” Adding a forced chuckle.

Jaebum gave him a questioning glance, “I don’t know how you spend so much time with him. He drives me crazy sometimes.” Jaebum closed the lid on his suitcase and lifted it up off the bed and onto the ground.

Mark walked with him to the front door. The others had left earlier that day, and once Jaebum left it would just be Mark and Jackson, once Jackson came back from the store. And it wasn’t until the door closed behind Jaebum that Mark began to freak out. He didn’t know what he was doing. What if it hurt? What if he hurt Jackson? What if it was terrible and it tore them apart? What if Mark liked it, but it wasn’t good enough for Jackson?

He walked to the sofa, hoping some television might take his mind of his uncontrollable thoughts. He flipped through the channels and landed on some drama he’d only caught glimpses of before. Maybe watching these fictional people would be enough of a distraction. He pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt, the chill of the dorm getting worse at night.

Mark was aimlessly scrolling through his phone when Jackson came back from some light grocery shopping for the weekend.

“Did you know that Bam was going with Yugyeom to see his family?” Jackson asked casually, putting away some ice cream in the freezer.

“Yeah, JB told me right before he left.” Mark said, still scrolling through his phone, but there wasn’t anything new to see, he just didn’t want to look at Jackson quite yet, afraid his eyes might give him away.

“He’s really excited to visit Yugyeom’s family.” After stacking the last energy drink in the fridge, Jackson closed the door. He rolled up the reusable grocery bag that they used for the grocery store, and tossed it on top of the fridge. He flopped down on the couch next to Mark, looking up at him, “You know what we should do?"

Mark froze. Would Jackson be that ambitious so quickly? Would he be so bold? Was Mark really questioning Jackson’s fervor?

“We can go out for barbeque and have all the meat for ourselves.” Jackson giggled mischievously as he tugged on the sleeve of Mark’s hoodie.

“Oh,” Mark said, not expecting Jackson to be thinking of food, “Yeah, we could do that.” Mark tucked his phone inside his sweatshirt pocket.

But Jackson seemed to notice Mark’s disappointment. “What were you thinking of?” Jackson asked innocently.

Mark looked down at him, not sure if this was some kind of joke or if Jackson was trying to get Mark to say _it_ . “Well, I, I guess I just figured, since we’re alone, _you’d_ want to, you know” there was no sign of recognition on Jackson’s face and Mark immediately wanted to take back each word, “Actually, nevermind. Meat sounds good, I mean-”

Jackson’s mouth quickly formed into an “O” shape. “OH!” He quickly sat up, criss-crossing his legs over his lap, keeping a grip on the sleeve of Mark’s arm. “I mean, we could do that, if you want to do _that_.”

Mark looked down at the strings on his hoodie, and back up at Jackson. “It just seems like a good time, with everyone being gone.” Mark reached his hand across to Jackson’s hand, which had formed a tighter grip, bunching up the sweatshirt material.

Jackson smiled at the touch of Mark’s hand. He leaned over, gently pressing his lips against Mark’s. Jackson taking the kiss deeper, reaching a hand up to Mark’s neck, a spot he always managed to find every time they kissed. Deep in his belly, Mark could feel the rush, the feeling he got whenever Jackson kissed him like this, when he touched him like this. Even when he knew it wasn’t going beyond kissing because of the thin walls and their dorm mates. Knowing now that he wouldn’t have to try and force that feeling away, it excited him.

Mark began to mentally prepare himself for the awkward touches and positions as he figured out what felt right. But Jackson pulled back ever so slightly, “It’s okay, we can just get food instead.” Jackson untangled himself from a dumbfounded Mark and collected himself off the couch. Mark’s brain tried to keep up with Jackson, but it struggled to comprehend.

“Jackson...” Mark said, still planted on the couch. He still wasn’t totally sure what had just happened, but he could feel the frustration making it’s way up to his head.

Jackson turned to face him, “Yes, _Mark_?”

“I- I don’t understand.” Mark’s brain finally catching up, listening to the frustration that had made it into his thoughts, that was causing a heat in his cheeks. Mark stood up, trailing behind Jackson as he headed to the door. “I thought…” Mark trying to form complete sentences, “We’ve talked about this. Do you not want to?” _Does he not want me like that? Is there something wrong with me?_

“No.” A coy Jackson responded, “But I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Jackson slipped out of his slippers, shoving his feet into his boots.

“I just said that-”, but Jackson interrupted. “You said 'now seemed like a good time.” Jackson said, yanking at the heel of his boot, struggling to get his foot in.

Mark knew Jackson wasn’t actually upset, it was his game. Jackson was always so caught up in what people actually said, and if what they said was what they actually meant. Jackson liked making people squirm, making them confess the things they were really thinking rather than the things they were saying. Mark had seen others fall victim to Jackson’s arsenal of words, but he rarely found himself the target.

Mark chuckled, his frustration still waiting to bubble over, “Jackson, you know I-”

“I know.” He flashed a cheesy smile, "It is a good time. But, it’ll be a _good time_ all weekend, so, no big rush.” Jackson finally got his feet into his boots. “So let’s just eat instead.” Jackson turned to grab his winter jacket.

“Gaga,” Mark grabbed for Jackson wrist before he could get his jacket off the hook, spinning him back around. His frustration began to get the better of him. “I don’t want _food_. I want _you_."

“Are you sure? We could eat, and then after, if we feel up to it, and it’s still a _good time_ , we-"

Letting go of Jackson’s wrist, Mark’s hands gripped onto Jackson’s hips, bracing him. Mark no longer able to contain his burning desire to shut Jackson up, his lips covered Jackson’s. After a stunned moment, Jackson’s hands were wrapped around the back of Mark’s neck, pulling him closer. Mark’s grip pulled Jackson’s lower half tight against Mark, and it felt good, and right. To be standing, _outside of their room_ , and kissing Jackson and not being concerned about who might open the door or be home already.

Mark pulled on Jackson’s hips, urging him back to the couch. Jackson followed his command, letting go and breaking their kiss momentarily as he struggled to get his boots off, mumbling something about how he couldn’t believe Mark had let him get as far as to get his shoes on. He kicked off the last shoe, and his lips were back on Mark. They stumbled to the couch, Mark pushing Jackson back and climbing on top of him. Jackson’s hands moving back to Mark’s neck, and slowly working down to the hem on Mark’s shirt, tugging it off, and Mark pulled away and lifted his arms, but dove back down, this time aiming for Jackson’s neck.

“Yien,” Jackson let out as Mark found the place just past Jackson’s ear that always goaded out the most amazing noises from Jackson’s lips. “Mmm?” Mark hummed, vibrating against Jackson’s skin, and Jackson let out a gasp that Mark hadn’t heard yet, and felt Jackson’s hips buck up against Mark. He’d have to remember to use that later. “Say it again,” The words stumbled from Jackson’s lips.

Mark smiled, lifting his lips from Jackson’s delicious skin, only pulling away far enough to meet Jackson’s gaze. “I want you. Right now. Here, on the couch.” Jackson smiled, a small giggle escaping.

It wasn’t as perfect or as easy as the movies and the internet had made it seem. Jackson’s experience being helpful because he had the foresight to buy condoms while he had been out shopping earlier, hiding them in the crumpled up grocery bag.

_“Just to be safe.”_

_“So you_ did _want this to happen tonight.”_

_“Yeah, but I couldn’t just come home and say ‘Fuck me now.”_

_“I don’t see why that wouldn’t have worked.”_

Neither of them really knew their preferences, but in some ways that was better. They felt safe to try things, and if it felt wrong they weren’t afraid to say stop, and their command would be obeyed. Jackson showed Mark some other tricks he had learned from his first time, and Mark’s jealousy didn’t make an appearance once. In fact, he was thankful, because he could imagine how much worse this would have been neither of them had any real world experience. After the first few movements, overcoming the initial uncomfortable feeling, it felt good. Feeling Jackson wrapped around him, wrapping his own hand around Jackson’s, feeling Jackson’s fingers on his back. Mark tried to hold off his climax, but it was all so much and he couldn’t fight the pressure that had been building up for so long, aching for Jackson’s touch. He felt guilty at first, it all happened so fast, but when he looked down, he noticed that Jackson had already emptied himself. Mark looked up at him, “It’s been too long.” Jackson chuckled. Mark went to throw away the condom, and came back with a paper towel for Jackson.

After they’d cleaned up, Mark grabbed a blanket that had fallen behind the couch earlier. Mark carefully wedged himself between Jackson and the back cushion of the couch. The dorm was freezing, but Mark was warm enough with just the blanket and the warmth of Jackson’s body. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at this couch the same.” Mark said quietly, resting his head against Jackson’s chest.

“We’ll have to get used to the bunk bed.” Jackson’s hand finding Mark’s under the cover.

“If you think we’re going to be able to get away with that with everyone else here, you’re going to have to learn how to shut up.”

“I am not that bad!” Jackson countered, and he would set off into a speech about how being vocal during sex was good and why Mark should be louder. Mark would watch Jackson, his lips mostly, and would laugh at his jokes. And when he got tired of Jackson spinning his own tires he would cut him off with a kiss. Jackson would pull Mark into a deeper kiss and they would be back at it again, enjoying the freedom of an empty dorm 

-

**6.** **The first time you got in a big fight, and when you subsequently made up - May 8th, 2012**

“Please, just give it a chance.” Mark begged.

“I don’t like scary movies, you know this.” Jackson said, Mark hovering the mouse over the play button on the computer screen. “I would rather watch _any_ other movie than that.” Jackson said, nudging Mark’s hand away from trackpad on his laptop.

“This is my favorite movie though.” Mark taking control of the trackpad again, “Just watch the first 30 minutes and if you hate it we can do something else.” Jackson smirked at Mark, raising an eyebrow playfully, “We can _watch_ something else.” He clarified.

Jackson thought about it for a minute, maybe he could just fall asleep or go get food periodically. They had found movie dates were their favorite kinds of dates. Going to the nearby theater and hiding in the back row, often choosing a movie that had been out for weeks so they would be the only ones in the theater. Jackson would buy their favorite treat: Swedish Fish and a large Cherry Coke to share. But recently they’d been spending more time watching movies at home, cuddled up in Jackson’s tiny bottom bunk. It was more cost effective, and they never had to worry about a theater attendant catching them making out.

“It’s not even that scary.” Mark said reaching his hand back over to click play on the movie.

But Jackson was adamant, “No!” He slapped Mark’s hand away.

“Ya, Gaga!” Mark, who had been snuggled in close to Jackson, shot up, and Jackson immediately missed his warmth against him.

“Come on, let’s watch something else.” Jackson said, scrolling through the choices, trying to ignore Mark’s glare, hoping Mark would defuse on his own. But Jackson could already tell Mark wasn’t going to agree without a fight.

They had fought before, about lots of things. Jackson making last minute plans with other friends, forcing Mark to rearrange his schedule to match Jackson’s. Mark’s parents calling at 4AM never seemed to wake Mark, but always woke Jackson. Jackson would get mad because he had a dream the Mark dumped him, and then Mark would get mad that Jackson was mad for something he had _dreamt_.

But they all ended the same. They would bicker and banter playfully, sometimes going a step too far. One making up excuses, and the other countering with some snide remark. And then it would break. They would look at each other and smile or laugh, and it didn’t matter anymore. They would cutely apologize to each other, and it would be like nothing happened. But that didn’t happen this time.

“Fine. Pick whatever.” Mark said, laying back down against Jackson. To anyone, it seemed like Mark had let it go, but Jackson knew better, he sensed it.

“Are you sure?” Jackson asked timidly. Mark nodded against Jackson’s chest. “Are you mad?”

“I said it’s fine. Just pick something.” Mark said tersely and definitively. Jackson didn’t push and randomly clicked on some action movie full of explosions and very little plot, requiring very little effort and attention from the audience of two.

Mark didn’t usually talk during movies, he often scolded Jackson for doing so, but he’d never been _this_ quiet. If Jackson hadn’t seen Mark’s chest rising and falling, he would’ve thought he was dead. He didn’t move once, but Jackson watched his eyelids flicker across the scene, following the action. They both stayed awake through the whole movie, silent. It was the first time in ages that they hadn’t distracted each other with their lips.

The end finally came, and the credits rolled. Jackson reached up to close the laptop. “So, should we go-”

“I’m going to take a nap.” Mark said, rolling away from Jackson.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Jackson asked, growing more annoyed by Mark’s attitude.

“It’s fine. I’ll eat something here when I wake up.” Mark mumbled. Jackson watched his back, waiting for Mark to say something anything.

“Yien, are you still upset-”

Mark turned his head, cutting Jackson’s sentence, “Can you just leave already?” Mark said, adding a huff of annoyance. Mark turned his head away again, ignoring the look of disgust on Jackson’s face. _All because of a movie?_

“Obviously it’s not fine, but I’ll let you sleep.” His volume increasing with every word, “Maybe you’ll wake up and actually want to talk to me about your problem, instead of acting like a pillow or a lamp, like any other inanimate object in this room!” Jackson didn’t wait for Mark’s response as he climbed out of the bunk and slipped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

He found Jinyoung out in the living area, who happily agreed to go get food with Jackson. Jinyoung suggested a nearby cafe and Jackson agreed immediately, not really caring where they went, he just wanted to get out. The whole walk he couldn’t seem to de-escalate himself, he would try to distract himself, but Mark would pop back up in his head.

_Clearly it’s not fine, yet he doesn’t want to explain to me why he’s mad. When does he ever say more than he needs too. He’s always so quiet, how am I supposed to know if I did something wrong if he won’t tell me? How am I supposed to fix it if he won’t tell me how? Why is talking to me so hard? Doesn’t he care about me?_

Once they arrived, they found a table, and were followed by a waitress who brought them menus, and took their orders shortly after.

“You’re quiet today.” Jinyoung said once the girl was gone. “And you didn’t bring Mark.”

Jackson sighed, he wanted to talk about it with Mark, but Jinyoung would do. “We had a fight.” Jinyoung was the only one who knew Jackson and Mark had started dating. He was close with both of them, and had slowly pieced it together. He never confronted the two of them about it, but eventually dropped enough hints that Mark and Jackson figured it out. He often looked out for them, and helped cover for them when others got suspicious. He was the one that convinced Yugyeom that he didn’t actually see Jackson’s mouth anywhere near Mark’s crotch. _“Little Yugyeom-ah, you must be so tired from all that dance practice, now you’re seeing impossible things.”_

Jackson explained the movie situation, which took longer than it needed. So long that their food had arrived by the end of the story. Jackson felt compelled to include every detail, like it would make Jinyoung understand why Jackson had done nothing wrong. Why he was justified in storming out, and why Mark should be the first to apologize. “I’m upset because he won’t tell me why he thinks I’m wrong. He could easily solve this by just talking and saying why he’s upset.”

“And you don’t think you’re wrong?” Jinyoung said as he picked at his salad.

“I’m not wrong.” Jackson said, mouth full of fries.

“Would Mark be able to say anything to convince you otherwise?”

“No.”

“So why should he try?” Jinyoung asked, trying to force Jackson to own up to his stubbornness.

Jinyoung’s words stunned Jackson for a moment. “Well, I tell him when and why I’m mad at him. I used to like how quiet he was, but that’s what’s hurting. How can things get better like this? He’s being selfish.”

“But Mark isn’t you.” Jinyoung added. _He’s Mark, and that’s what I like about him._ He says just enough, unlike Jackson who so often said too much and inevitably hurt someone. Maybe, right now, it did bother Jackson that Mark was being so quiet, but for the past few months Jackson had begun to appreciate that about Mark. Jackson didn’t want to discuss it any further, changing the subject quickly. Jinyoung chuckled, but didn’t press Jackson harder.

As they finished up their meals Jackson continued playing out all the things he could say or do when he got back to the dorm. Maybe he could just apologize, just to make things easier. Or maybe Mark would apologize for his part in this. Or maybe Mark would be over it by the time he got back. Maybe they would laugh about this and they would never speak of that movie again. Maybe he would just try to brush over it with some gift.

Jackson made them take a stop at a convenience store on the way back. Jinyoung trailing behind Jackson sluggishly. “Can’t you just apologize using your words?” Jinyoung said, touching random items as they passed.

“Let me just get him his favorite drink. He’ll be less mad.” Jackson reached in the beverage fridge and pulled out a Cherry Coke.

Jinyoung scanned the item in Jackson’s hand and chuckled, “He’ll be mad if you bring that.” He pointed down to the drink in Jackson’s hand. Jackson tilted his head in confusion. “Mark hates that kind of drink.” Jinyoung added.

Jackson glanced down at the drink and back at Jinyoung. “Why do you think he doesn’t like these?”

“He told me,” Jackson was about to say something, but Jinyoung already seemed to know what Jackson was going to ask, “A couple weeks ago.” Jinyoung explained that one late night at the JYP building, Jinyoung had gotten Mark a Cherry Coke from the vending machine. Mark said he didn’t like that drink and Jinyoung told him that he saw him drink them with Jackson all the time. “He told me that he only drinks them with you because you like to drink them.”

Jackson looked back down at the drink. All this time he thought their love of Cherry Coke was another addition to their long list of reasons why they were perfect together. He loved sharing the way too large cup at the movie theater together, sipping from the same straw, or the one time Jackson had gotten two straws so that they could take a cute couple photo. It was a little fantasy Jackson got to live out, and this whole time Mark pretended. _He pretended just to make me happy_.

Jackson looked down at the drink, _how many ounces of this sugary, carbonated garbage had Mark ingested just to make me smile?_

Jackson didn’t buy the drink.

When he got back to the dorm he found Mark sitting on the couch with a small cup of ice cream. Mark didn’t acknowledge Jackson or Jinyoung, but Jinyoung didn’t mind as he slipped into his own room. It was late enough that everyone was in their room, getting ready for the following day of training.

Jackson sat next to Mark on the couch. “Yien,” he said, placing a hand on Mark’s thigh. Mark glanced down at Jackson’s hand. “I’m sorry.” Mark’s eyes met Jackson’s, “We can watch that movie tonight, if you still want to.” Slowly, a small smile crept onto Mark’s face.

Mark placed his hand on top of Jackson’s. “It’s okay. We’ll watch it some other time, maybe during daylight so it’ll be less scary.”

Jackson chuckled, “This weekend?” Mark nodded, “Promise?” Jackson added enthusiastically.

Mark giggled, “Only if you bring Swedish Fish and Cherry Coke.”

-

  **7.** **When you realize you’re in love - July 3rd, 2011, 11PM**

Jackson got back to the dorm feeling more exhausted than ever. Drained. Leaving home, saying goodbye to his parents, sitting alone on a plane to a new country, it was all starting to hit him and he’d never felt emptier. Like someone had come and poked a bunch of holes in him and the happy and excitement had slowly been trickling out. All he wanted to do was crash into his bed, fall asleep, and hope that tomorrow would be better.

But there was his suitcase… And he still had to make the bed… And probably wait around for his roommate to show up. But after his two failed introductions, maybe it was better he didn’t meet this person.

Jackson moved his suitcase to floor and flopped it open. His parents were shipping him most of his wardrobe (mainly the shoes and winter items he wouldn’t need for a while), but in his extra large suitcase, Jackson went for the bed sheets that his mom demanded on packing.

_“Don’t you think they’ll have sheets for me?”_

_“Maybe, but they won’t smell like home.”_

Jackson tugged the mattress cover over at the top, and then went to pull it down at the bottom, but as he tugged again the top came undone. Jackson let out a sigh of annoyance and tried again, and again the sheet came undone. Jackson didn’t have the energy to fight the sheet, so he left it crumpled up on the bed. He would focus on his clothes for now.

There was a clothing rack, already half full of someone else’s clothes, and some extra hangers. Jackson’s hangers were coming in the mail so he was thankful that he could at least get some of these out. He hung up his most favorite pieces first; jerseys, expensive shirts, and the ones that made his arms look muscular.

He then moved to the drawers. He opened one of the top ones and it was already full of someone else’s underwear. Jackson hesitated for a moment too long, noticing a lot of Calvin Klein’s, then heard the door behind him opening. Jackson clumsily closed the draw as fast as he could, and the boy seemed to enter slow enough that he couldn’t catch Jackson peeking at his underwear.

As soon as the boy stepped in, they were both visibly taken aback. It was the boy, Mark, the statue, now carrying his black umbrella, dripping water on the floor. The boy’s eyes met Jackson’s, but Jackson broke it almost immediately.

“Oh,” Jackson said first, “ _Annyeonghaseyo_ ”, he added with a bow. The boy bowed back, still silent.

“Uh, my name is Jackson.” Jackson said in his rough Korean, feeling less confident about his pronunciation. Jackson looked at Mark’s eyes again, and all Jackson could think was that he was still really cute.

“My name is Mark.” He said in quietly, in Korean, “Hong Kong?”

Jackson couldn’t help but let out a depressing chuckle. “I guess news spreads quick around here.” He said in English, the two languages he knew best, not meaning to talk to himself in front of Mark.

Mark laughed, and Jackson was almost scared by the sound. It wasn’t the pitch and volume Jackson had expected, not that it was loud, especially compared to how loud Jackson could get, but it almost didn’t match. Even though Mark had only said a handful of words to Jackson so far.

Mark noticed Jackson’s confusion, “You sound like my dad, talking to yourself in two languages.” He said, but this time in English.

“You speak English?” Jackson asked, moving closer to Mark. Mark nodded, still amused by Jackson. “Where are you from?” Jackson asked, maybe Jinyoung had tried to be helpful before and not a jerk.

“California.” Jackson’s heart dropped, already getting hopeful at the idea of another Hong Kong native. “But my parents speak Mandarin, so I’ve picked it up.” Mark saw Jackson’s face fall into even more confusion, like he knew that Jackson was about to ask about earlier and why he didn’t respond to his Chinese greeting, “But I’m not really used to being greeted like that, so, yeah, sorry about that.” Mark said, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully.

It was quiet for a moment, Jackson still processing all this. How was it possible that a moment ago he was feeling so _deflated_ , and now the air had filled his lungs again and he felt he could take on anything again?

“It’s fine… So you speak Chinese too?” Jackson asked, glossing over the apology, even though he really did appreciate it, too excited about finding someone else who shared not one, but two languages with him, three once Jackson got better at Korean.

“Uh… not really. I can understand it alright, but I can’t really speak it.” Mark said through a shy smile, visibly becoming more comfortable.

And it was silent again. Jackson was just staring at him again, and Mark was staring back, and all the butterflies that Jackson had when he first walked up to Mark came back. It was just like Jackson to fall for someone the second he laid eyes on them, and it didn’t help that Mark spoke his language, literally.

“It’s too hot in here.” Mark said, grabbing Jackson’s thoughts again. He wasn’t wrong. There was a fan going, but it was still so hot in the small room. Jackson thought he was the only one that was hot though.

“Maybe we should open a window?” Jackson suggested, walking over to the window, but Mark grabbed his wrist. Jackson’s eyes fell on Mark’s fingers wrapped around him, and in an instant they were gone, back at Mark’s sides. Jackson had stopped in his tracks though. His fingertips on Jackson’s skin had felt electric, a literal spark, yet there was no trace of it on Jackson’s skin.

Mark timidly avoiding eye contact after letting go, “I’ve tried, but bugs get in.” Jackson nodded in understanding.

“Would you, uh, would you want to go get ice cream?” Mark blurted out. Jackson tried to answer, but Mark interrupted first. “I know you’re probably tired, but it’s what I like to do when it’s too hot.”

“I could go for ice cream.” Jackson said, and for a split second he saw a look of bafflement on Mark’s face, like he didn’t believe that Jackson had agreed so quickly and with no follow up question. But his bafflement quickly turned into a smile and he turned back to the door.

Jackson silently followed him all the way down to the street. It had started raining again, but it was pouring down. Mark popped open the black umbrella, just barely large enough for both of them to stand under it together.

“ _Gaja_.” Mark said, and Jackson vaguely remembered it from one of his last Korean lessons he’d taken. He placed a hand on the base of the umbrella to balance it and make sure some of it covered him.

The rain pounded on the umbrella, too loud to allow conversation, and Jackson was thankful for the silence for once. If he had tried to speak right now, he would undoubtedly say something to scare off Mark. His bare arm would brush against Mark’s, and it was like a jolt to his heart. _You’ve known him for 5 minutes, he’s your roommate, and he probably doesn’t think of you, or guys, that way._ He told himself, but with each casual brush, Jackson felt a shock. It was difficult to ignore.

They scurried along, and Jackson tried to focus on his surroundings, taking mental images of what was going to be his new home. Would this be the pizza place he and his teammates would go to after a long day? Was this where he would go for coffee on days off? Maybe he could find a present to send to his parents in there.

Mark tapped Jackson’s wrist, and pointed to the building to right, with a neon sign of ice cream in the window. “I like this place. They’re only open really late.”

Mark grabbed the door, holding it open for Jackson as he shook the umbrella dry. Jackson nodded to the server behind the counter, behind him on the wall was a chalkboard full of writing that Jackson couldn’t read. Mark walked in and up to the counter, and Jackson followed. He stared at the board, like if he looked hard enough the characters would magically turn into characters he recognized.

Jackson felt Mark’s fingers brush against his wrist, for a third time tonight, not that Jackson was keeping track. “Sorry, do you want me to translate?” Mark said sheepishly, having noticed Jackson’s difficulty picking.

Jackson smiled, waving his hand at Mark apologetically, “It’s okay. You can just pick for me.”

So Mark ordered, and Jackson found a table in the corner. There were only four other people in the store, including the server. Mark came over a few moments later with one dish. It was three scoops and had some edible adornments.

“I’ve seen other people get this, and I’ve always wanted to get it but it’s too big for just me.” Mark said, handing Jackson a spoon.

“Is this a couple dessert?” Jackson asked playfully. Mark laughed along, and they began to eat. Mark never answered Jackson’s question, and Jackson didn’t press for an answer, but he was curious.

It was awkward at first, they were both stuffing their faces and Jackson was waiting for Mark to say something first. But he was quickly learning that wasn’t Mark’s style. So Jackson talked about the first thought in his mind (his favorite ice cream place in China closed early so he never had ice cream, this fancy, this late at night), there wasn’t a moment of quiet after that as Jackson went on about all his other favorite things back home. Mark chiming in every once in awhile, and the conversation would shift to something else (“How spicy is ddeokbokki? Because I don’t do spicy.”), and to something else (“How do you win a game of fencing? Do you lose once you lose a limb?”), and so on until the server had started stacking the chairs and shooting nasty glances to the only two people left in the store.

“We should go.” Mark said, glancing at his phone, “We’ll both have to be up early.” They stood up and as they got to the door they could see the rain still going.

“The rain is crazy tonight.” Mark said, popping out his umbrella.

“I guess I’ll have to get my own umbrella.” Jackson added, nodding to the umbrella he was now standing under with Mark.

“You can stand under mine.”

_You can stand under mine._

It was an innocent phrase and maybe Jackson was reading too much into it. But standing there, under Mark’s black umbrella, he felt like he belonged. Jackson promised to himself to never forget this moment. To never forget how his heart had never felt so full. How he couldn’t even remember one fear he had before today. He didn’t even miss home anymore. He felt at home with Mark after only knowing him for a short while. Stranger than that, he worried for Mark? He wanted to support Mark? Protect him? He wasn’t sure what this feeling was. Maybe it was love, or maybe he just really adored being near Mark. But it was a feeling too big to ignore, and Jackson didn’t want to let it go.

-

Back in the present, Jackson was watching Mark scan through all the items, in his mind reliving all those moments they shared. Watching Mark read through all the moments that had made Jackson the happiest made the butterflies in Jackson's stomach nauseous. He would be getting to the end of the list soon and Jackson would have to make his move.

“I didn’t understand those feelings at first. It took me some time to figure it out, but-” Jackson was purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze when he heard Mark move from the bed, and he looked up to see Mark getting out of the bed and grabbing something from his bag.

“I’m trying to express myself, it’d be nice if you gave me your full attention.” Jackson said, half-joking, half-serious.

Mark giggled, “Hold on,” and sat back down on the bed across from Jackson, he had grabbed a pen and was scribbling something on the paper.

“Don’t ruin my notes!” Jackson said, craning over to see what Mark was doing. Mark pulled the paper closer to his chest, away from Jackson’s eyes.

He finished writing and handed the paper back to Jackson. Just under “7. When you realize you’re in love” Mark had written all the dates of every event, beginning with July 3rd, 2011.

“I’ve always known, and you remind me all the time.” Jackson looked up from the paper as Mark continued, “The first time you walked over to me and I was so in shock that the cute new guy would come and talk to me. Our first date and you’re leg was jiggling from excitement the whole bus ride there. That dumb fight, and when we did watch the movie you couldn’t sleep at all that night. Every day you do something, and I know. When you let me sleep in even though you want to go do something. When I’m in the shower and I forgot my towel, but you bring it to me. When you pull me close in the middle of the night. You’re always there.”

Jackson looked back down and noticed on the last item of relationship firsts, the one Jackson was waiting for, Mark had added today’s date. 

-

**8\. The first time you both said “I love you” - May 24th, 2012, 10PM**

Jackson wanted to say it, he always thought he’d be the first to say it. Mark was always so careful with his words, and Jackson, well, wasn’t. It was hard to believe that he hadn’t blurted it out on accident. But every time he felt ready to say it, Mark’s gaze had a way of making his tongue forget how to form those three simple words. The moment would pass and Jackson would kick himself later.

Unlike all the other times, when Jackson was frozen, betrayed by his own body, Mark broke the silence.

“I love you, Gaga.”

There was a long pause, Mark waiting patiently for Jackson do say or do something. If Jackson wasn’t so lost in the moment he would laugh about how Mark was now waiting on Jackson to say something.

“Yien,” Jackson watched Mark’s face begin to turn to fear, like maybe Jackson wouldn’t say it back, but Jackson quickly reached for Mark’s hands for reassurance. Holding them tight as he pulled them in close to his chest, “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything like this in years, so please forgive any grammar mistakes and syntax errors. Also my first time using AO3, so hopefully the formatting works out. 
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll ever do anything like this again, I just needed the world to know that Mark said I love you first. 
> 
> If you want to find me elsewhere I'm on twitter @ cometyien :)


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